Ensnaring a Desert Rose
by Big-Babidi
Summary: With Temari one day away from leaving Konoha, Naruto has one last chance to woo her. He asks friends for help, but unfortunately their seduction tactics are completely and utterly insane. NarutoTemari


Just one more day.

One more day until she left and he lost his chance forever.

Those were the thoughts that plagued Naruto's mind during breakfast that morning as he faced his newest dilemma. A problem with difficulty far surpassing anything the boy had ever confronted. Orochimaru? Akatsuki? Please, those pansies had nothing compared to _this!_

By the end of tonight, Sabaku no Temari's duty as liaison between Konoha and Suna will be coming to an end. Once her job was up, the kunoichi would not have a reason to stay, undoubtedly returning to her home village permanently.

Over the years during the war against the Akatsuki and Uchiha Madara, most of Naruto's time on the battlefield was spent alongside Temari. During their moments together on and off duty, he found himself admiring more and more of her qualities with every passing day.

On a physical level, the attraction was obvious. Honestly, with the exception of straight women or gay men, who the hell wouldn't find her alluring? At twenty three years old, the woman had the body of a goddess and the smile of a seductive succubus. Had Naruto ever mentioned he liked fishnets? Temari wore 'em. Had the Kyuubi container remembered to state that he _loved_ pigtails? Well, Temari put her hair up in _four of 'em_! Added together and _hot damn!_

Naruto shook his head to eliminate his perverted thoughts. Having the contents of a nosebleed leaking into his cereal must be avoided at all costs. After numerous encounters with expired milk, the blond learned his lesson that food should only be eaten fresh.

Putting her absolute hotness aside, Temari's still had it goin' on. The kind of woman who was unhesitant in hanging out with the guys; whether training to the extreme or hitting every bar in the village, Temari had what it took and then some. That wasn't to label her a complete tomboy or anything. The Sand kunoichi definitely kept up in feminine class. During the years, it went without saying that Temari's accomplished the leap in maturity from a girl to a woman, something that could not be said for the other females in Naruto's age group.

Even after all these years, the girls from the Rookie 9 remained just that, _girls_. Surprisingly enough, despite the eight years of life-risking situations since Naruto's class graduated from the academy, the kunoichi refused to grow up. Sakura and Ino continued to worship Sasuke, and to this day, Hinata continued worshipping _him_. In fact, the chance of her hiding behind some random object spying on him that very moment was insanely likely. While the blond shinobi certainly felt flattered the Hyuuga heiress thought so highly of his "never give up" attitude, among other traits, Naruto simply couldn't reciprocate those feelings. By the time he noticed, the blond's heart had already belonged to a certain Kazekage's sister.

There was also Tenten, but Naruto didn't even want to think about what happened _there_.

Unfortunately for the blond, he lacked confidence in one thing.

Women.

And apparently, he was the only one.

Wherever he looked around, it seemed like everyone Naruto knew was either in a relationship, moments away from walking down the aisle, or have already gone through the priceless experience. People ranging from Kankuro to Rock Lee and if certain rumors are correct, then even _Chouji_ had found a good woman, effective removing the Akimichi from bachelor status. Hell, even his annoying neighbor from across the hall, who was an absolute _douchebag_ by the way, was getting married to some hottie.

Where was the justice in that?

"Alright, that's it! No more!"

Having finished his cereal, Naruto stood tall, resolve oozing from the boy in waves. So what if he couldn't get a woman, even if his life depended on it? So what if a hunchbacked version of Rock Lee with a peg leg had an easier time acquiring females?

'_This time, it'll be different.'_ Indeed it shall. Fully aware of his inabilities to woo the ladies, Naruto decided to swallow his pride and ask for help. Of course, with that in mind, the question of _who_ to ask was of utmost importance.

Hatake Kakashi was immediately crossed off the list. With his love of perversion, any advice given by Naruto's teacher will more likely get him slapped than kissed.

If Jiraiya were alive… well he'd probably be crossed off too.

Then there's Tsunade. While his mother figure could certainly provide something helpful, Naruto remembered she was almost sixty years old. He figured such an old lady wouldn't have the insight when it came to attracting women of the younger generation.

His father figure, Umino Iruka obviously sprung to mind. Then again, had Naruto ever seen a ring on _his_ finger? Case closed.

Since the girls in his graduating class were so immature, the demon carrier chose to ask his guy friends for advice instead. They were the ones who snagged the girls, so a helpful supply of lady-seducing information shouldn't have been beyond their capabilities.

If only he knew…

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>  
>I don't own Naruto.<p>

**Notes  
><strong>Old fic is super old. I wrote most of this on TFF like 4 years ago, forgot about it and now decided to simply finish it up.

* * *

><p>Ensnaring a Desert Rose<p>

By Big-Babidi

* * *

><p>While evading Hinata on his way out through the use of Kage Bunshin, Naruto fled to the Uchiha district. Starting his quest, he decided to retrieve information from his teammate, the champion of all things angst-related, Uchiha Sasuke.<p>

Finding the brood master on the porch of his mansion, Naruto quickly explained his situation. With his label of genius, as well as Konoha's most eligible bachelor, he should be able to solve this problem effortlessly. Or at least Naruto hoped.

Sasuke sighed. "First of all Naruto, look at your hair. It's all wild and untamed. For god's sake, you look like you were up all night having sex with Kiba or his ugly dog."

Naruto blanched, "Like you have room to talk ya bastard, you look like you were up all night with a duck!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, "You've got a lot of nerve, saying that about this hair. In fact, your ridiculous hair is one of the reasons women won't take you seriously."

Using both hands, the Uchiha pointed to his hair. "You see this Naruto? This hair style is the result of accidentally stumbling across a forbidden scroll in my house as a kid. The scroll was entitled "The Uchiha Duck" and showed a portrait of this superb hair. Supposedly, "The Uchiha Duck" was claimed to force women into seeing the wearer as a man, instead of a mere boy. When used properly, weak-minded females will fall prey to its' unrivaled power. My existence alone is living proof of its validity."

Naruto gaped at the information, unable to respond for a good five minutes. Who would've guessed that Sasuke's haircut, the exact same one that made the male population believe he purposely shoved his head up a duck's ass every morning; had such a deep and…downright _creepy_ history?

Before he could retort, however, one of Sasuke's fangirls appeared out of some crack in the wall and began clinging to the last Uchiha's arm. To Naruto's horror, the girl truly _was_ paying more attention to that retarded hair than his friend/rival. Adding to the terror, the girl in question was none other than Haruno Sakura. Over the years, her fangirl-ish screech only increased to a level reaching borderline psychosis. Perhaps when Iruka had given an IQ test back in the academy he'd forgotten to place the minus sign in front of Sakura's score, indicating a negative number.

"Saskue-kuuuuun!"

Thoroughly shocked, Naruto couldn't look away from the sight, "Oh my god! You mean to tell me those fangirls were _really_ into your _hair_ this whole time? That's pathetic!" By this point in his life, Naruto really couldn't care less if Sakura pined for his teammate. Besides, had the pink haired girl ever bothered to try fishnets, pigtails, or growing up? He didn't think so.

Sasuke sighed while shaking his head. "Unfortunately, yes, and it _is_ pathetic." He took a quick glance towards Sakura, and then returned it to Naruto. "But since she's already here, I'll show you how to get that Temari girl to listen. It's never failed me once."

Throwing his goofy demeanor aside, Naruto become focused. "I'm listening. What do I need to do?"

Immediately after the question came Naruto's mouth, Sasuke was glaring at Sakura and grabbed her by her shirt's collar. "Listen, wench, if you know what's good for you, than get your stupid ass off my _damn arm_. Now!" He roared, his anger flaring, even going so far as exhibiting a fair amount of killing intent towards Sakura.

The Haruno let go, while blushing madly, "Anything you say Sasuke-kun! And I mean _anything_." She purred the last part; her eyes never left the hair.

Naruto couldn't believe what he was seeing. _That_ was supposed to arouse Temari? _'If I tried that against Temari-chan, she'd tear me to shreds!'_

After realizing the depths of his teammates psychosis, Naruto quickly bolted from the scene without so much as a "goodbye" or a "your advice sucked". If luck was on his side, the next person he'd encounter would give less disastrous information.

* * *

><p>During the mad dash away from his psycho teammates, Naruto spotted another friend by the name of Aburame Shino. After a quick greeting, the demon vessel told his troubles to the bug user and hoped for the best.<p>

"You are fortunate that our paths crossed. The Uchiha's advice would have caused your extinction prior to tonight's conclusion." Reaching into his pocket, Shino pulled out a small book and handed it over to Naruto, entitled Bug Facts for Dumbasses.

"What's this?" Naruto took hold of the book and began flipping through the pages. "The Megaphragma caribea, which measures around 0.17 mm long, is currently one of, if not the smallest insect in the world." He looked up from the book and glanced towards Shino, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "As fascinating as this is, I fail to see how this will help me win the hearts of any hot Suna kunoichi named Temari-chan."

Shino pushed up his glasses while he sighed. "You're naïve, Naruto. Humans of the female gender enjoy insect trivia far more than you know. Displaying omniscient knowledge of bug facts is the quickest and by far the safest route to ensuring a woman wraps her tongue around _your_ kikai bug." Seeing Naruto's surprised expression, he added calmly, "If you know what I mean."

"I'm…pretty sure I do, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna believe that without any proof."

For the first time Naruto could remember, Shino smirked. "Very well, I accept your challenge and shall provide a visual demonstration of the undeniable success extensive bug knowledge will offer while attempting the seduction of a woman."

Raising his voice, the Aburame began shouting, "Did you know that the bulkiest insect in the world is the Acteon Beetle!"

Naruto buried his face in his hands, utterly embarrassed. _'You have gotta be kidding me. Even I know that women aren't into something that ridiculous.'_

"Or how about the microtype eggs of a Tachinidae are the smallest eggs of all insects worldwide!"

During the bug user's loud insect lecture, onlookers to the scene were shooting Naruto and Shino the strangest looks. The demon carrier couldn't help but respond to each one with an "I don't know this guy", a "He keeps talking to me about bugs", or a "This weirdo is creepy; get him away from me."

"I'm sure no one here is aware that the Polypedilum vanderplanki is the insect with the highest tolerance of the cold!"

Naruto began chuckling as he shook his head at Shino's crazy behavior. "Come on, Shino, cut it out. It stopped being funny a minute ago. Keep this up, and I'm sure Tsunade-oba-chan can find a good straight jacket for you. Hell, I might even lend a helping hand and pick one that'll continue keeping your face all hidden and mysterious."

As his laughing became louder and more prolonged, a female's voice interjected.

"Is that true?"

What stood before the two was a women who was, for lack of better words, dangerously beautiful. In fact, if Naruto wasn't so faithful to Temari-chan, he would've thrown Shino aside and put on what he liked to call "The Uzumaki Charm". Sure, it hadn't worked before, but the boy was bound to get lucky sometime.

She had red hair flowing to her shoulders, and stunning brown eyes. The woman wore a white sleeveless shirt that fully exposed her belly button and a black mini-skirt that barely covered her panties. That is, under the assumption she wore any. Judging by her confident stance, as well as her demeanor, this chick knew exactly what she wanted. Not to mention, the means to achieve it effortlessly.

The kind of woman that could fuck you all the way to next Tuesday.

'_Show time'_, the Aburame thought while grinning towards the approaching woman. "Why yes it is, my queen bee. On that subject, did you know that bees have a special mating process called copulation that is accomplished in mid-air?"

The woman smirked, "Is that right? Well, in that case, why don't we swing by my place and do a little copulation of our own?" She replied playfully, immediately wrapping her arms around his own while leaning her head on his shoulder.

Shino nodded. "Very well." Afterwards, he turned towards Naruto.

"I'll see you later." As he began walking away with the sexy lady clung to his arm, Shino looked over his shoulder.

"And keep the book. You'll need it."

Naruto stood frozen from shock, which lasted well after the bug user was out of sight.

'_Never mind earlier. Now you've gotta be kidding me.'_

* * *

><p>Inuzuka Kiba started his morning in a good mood. As a lover of the great outdoors, the superb weather certainly played no small part in how he felt. With sunny skies, accompanied by a gentle breeze, the climate was perfect for dog walking. The fact that Akamaru was traveling beside his master served as a testament to how correct that truly was.<p>

While the man and his best friend were walking down the road, Kiba noticed his good buddy Naruto, who appeared to be standing perfectly still in the middle of the road. On closer inspection, he realized the Uzumaki was frozen in shock. Curious as to what could've bothered the normally hyperactive boy to such extent, the Inuzuka spoke up.

"Hey Naruto! What happened?"

Snapping out of his shock, Naruto quickly turned around. It was Kiba! Of all his friends, the Inuzuka was the one who flirted with women the most. Surely he would've had the advice to steal the heart of any lady faster than Lee's record time in making an ass of himself.

"Kiba! Good timing, could you-" the boy planned on finishing his sentence but was rudely interrupted by said dog boy.

"I'm heading back to my house right now, so why don't you come along and tell me about it on the way. Hana-nee-chan told me about having something good to eat when I get back."

The Uzumaki shrugged, "Sure, I guess."

Along the way, Naruto filled Kiba in on his situation, from his morning vow to the "Uchiha Duck" and his encounter with Shino. He finished his tale as the two entered the Inuzuka compound.

"So let me get this straight, this whole time the only reason Sasuke's so popular is because of his gay duck hair?" Kiba scoffed. "What a loser."

Naruto nodded, and was moments away from replying when he was interrupted by a voice from another area in the compound. It sounded feminine, somewhat familiar, was quite loud and surprisingly seductive.

"Back so soon? Good timing 'cause I'm inches away from taking off my clothes and get in the tub! The water is so _hot_ that I'm afraid to go in _all alone_!"

Raising an eyebrow, Naruto looked at Kiba. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that sounded like Hana-nee-chan's voice just now. Of course that's ridiculous, since she would never call out something like that in that kinda way."

For some reason, Kiba seemed embarrassed. Before Naruto could question it, however, said strange voice spoke again.

"What are you waiting for? Usually, you'd be here before I even finish talking! If you're not gonna come after me, then _I_ am gonna have to come after _you_!"

Quickly becoming puzzled, Naruto wanted answers. "Ok, that is definitely Hana-nee-chan's voice. What I don't get is why she'd be talking like that. I know it's been a while since I've been to your house, but what am I missing here?"

Kiba scratched the back of his neck in a very Naruto-ish manner. With a light chuckle, he responded sheepishly, "Well, uh… you know what say,-"

"Incest is best, put your sister to the test."

Both guys turned around and met the gaze of Inuzuka Hana, who had a strangely suggestive gleam in her eyes. She wore a white sleeveless V-neck shirt and a pair of shorts so skimpy they barely concealed the crack of her ass.

Naruto blinked in confusion. "He put you to the test?"

Hana grinned at Kiba and winked in his direction. "He most certainly did, and let's just say that my little brother _scored_ _extra credit_."

Looking back and forth between the Inuzuka siblings, Naruto noticed Kiba's blush and put two and two together. The blond started to panic. "Oh my god! You two are… oh my god!"

His eyes widened as he remembered what Kiba told him prior to entering the compound. Pointing a finger towards the dog boy, he exclaimed, "Hey, what the hell, dog breath! I thought you said she'd have food for you!"

Hana's grin morphed into a smirk, "Oh, he'll be eating _something_ alright…" She certainly got a kick out of watching Naruto's eyes bulging out of their sockets. An amazing (to her) idea emerged in her brain as the Inuzuka's smirk got wider. "Ya know, Naruto. I actually heard about your little problem. I might be able to help. But you'll have to do something for me _first_."

"W-what is it?" After his encounters with Sasuke and Shino, Naruto's faith in fellow comrades for woman wisdom began dwindling. Taking a soft deep breath, he calmed down. After all, wasn't the third time a charm?

"As you know, I like my brother. I like my brother very much," she ignored Naruto's face of disgust, "and I like seeing my brother have sex. Having another woman involved makes me homicidal, so I'd rather see him with a hot guy, a hot guy like you Naruto. I'll tell you what, let my brother suck you off and I'll tell you what you need to know."

"Wait a minute, you think I'm hot?" He did his best to forget everything else said.

Hana wasn't amused with the distraction. "Yes, I do. Now will you fuck my brother or am I gonna have to get out the whip?"

Naruto's normally tanned face turned whiter than Akamaru's fur. While he certainly wanted advice on getting the woman of his dreams, even he had his limits and that wasn't his thing. Looking for help, he glanced towards Kiba expecting to hear his refusal. The dog boy had an apologetic look on his face as he held up a sign that read "What nee-chan wants, nee-chan gets".

Once again facing Hana, the demon vessel started laughing nervously, "Um…no thanks, I think I'll just stick with the bug trivia." Naruto replied while he raised his copy of Bug Facts for Dumbasses.

Slowly backing away, Naruto decided he'd overstayed his welcome. Creating his diversion, he gasped while pointing towards a window behind the Inuzuka siblings.

"Can you believe that guy? Abusing such a cute little puppy in broad daylight!"

Both Inuzuka's turned around, fully prepared to put the heartless madman out of his misery. Realizing they'd been fooled, the pair turned back around and noticed Naruto was long gone. Brother and sister merely shrugged, then headed into Hana's bedroom for "breakfast".

* * *

><p>Possessed with a desperate need to eliminate any memory of his visit to Kiba's, Naruto turned to his version of drinking away one's problems: massive ramen consumption.<p>

Walking into the stand of Ichiraku's, he noticed Chouji and some lady seated beside him. _'So that's Chouji's girl?'_

"Hey Chouji." Naruto greeted, finding a stall and ordering his usual.

The Akimichi's face lit up at the sight of a friend, "Well if it isn't Naruto! I should've known you'd show up at Ichiraku's. I don't think you've met Kyoko yet have you?" He gestured to the large woman holding his hand.

"What's up?" He waved.

She ignored him.

Naruto shrugged, attention quickly shifting to the bowl placed down.

"So how have you been doing?" Chouji asked.

"Could be better. Did you hear about Temari?" He took his first bite. Delicious.

"Yeah, Shikamaru told me." He saw Naruto's shoulders slump. "Have you talked to her?"

"Nah. I'm not sure how to say it." He sighed. "I can pimp slap S-rank killers like they owe me money, but telling Temari-chan I love her and convincing her to stay… I don't know. I mean, this isn't some kiddy crush like with Sakura-chan. This is serious."

"Well I could always lend a hand. We Akimichi aren't known for our looks, so we resort to other methods for flirting."

Naruto's eyebrows shot up. "Really?" Unlike certain others, he could confidently say that Chouji wasn't batshit insane. His lucky break may have arrived.

"Just make her some barbecue, explain how you cooked it seductively, and the next thing you know, she's putty in your hands. That's what I did with Kyoko, anyway, and it worked like a charm," he revealed, using a variety of cooking hand gestures all throughout the explanation.

Sparing a glance towards the rather rotund woman sitting to the Akimichi's side, Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Ya don't say…" On further reflection, he remembered Mrs. Akimichi had a vastly different figure than Temari.

"Is there something you're trying to imply, Naruto?" Chouji's eyes narrowed towards the blond. No matter how many life or death situations he'd conquered, hearing so much as a negative implication towards someone's weight, especially his girlfriend's, served as a quick and sure route to pissing Chouji off.

Seeing the gradual anger building in his friend, Naruto answered hastily, "No! Not at all! If anything, Kyoko's the textbook definition of beauty!" He sighed in relief as he noticed his friend calming down.

"Nice try _pal_, but I'm already taken," Kyoko deadpanned.

"I didn't mean-"

"What's the deal Naruto? I help you out and you repay me by tryin' to steal my girl?" The fury returned full force.

Naruto quickly threw his hands up in the air for defense. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Settle down there, big guy! My eyes are for Temari-chan and Temari-chan only. Don't get the wrong idea here."

Chouji remained unconvinced, appearing ready for battle.

Sighing, Naruto got up and paid his tab, "Look, I'm just gonna go. I gotta talk to Temari-chan pretty soon anyway. See ya later. Maybe you've calmed down by then." He waved as he existed the stand.

'_Well that blew pretty hard. Who should I talk to next?'_

* * *

><p>'<em>What am I doing here? I mean, I know I want to go out with Temari-chan but is this really the best idea?'<em> Naruto thought, while looking towards the next person he'd asked for assistance.

Said person had the strangest bowl cut, _very_ round eyes that simply came off as appearing bizarre, an outfit of spandex drenched in green and a pair of eyebrows the size of a damn two by four.

The one.

The only.

Rock Lee.

"To see that Naruto-kun has come to my doorstep seeking the advice to solidify his youthful future and beyond with Kazekage-sama's sister is truly an honor!" The weirdo taijutsu specialist managed to yell out in one breath.

Naruto held back a sigh. On the bright side, at least Maito Gai wasn't around. If the elder spandex lover heard his student using a sentence that combined with "Naruto-kun", "Kazekage-sama's sister" and "youthful future"; the signature, yet disturbing gargantuan hug-fest would most certainly ensue.

"Yeah, um… the honor's mine, I guess." Naruto replied with a bit of uncertainty. "I'm probably gonna hate myself for asking this, but how do you do it Fuzzy Eyebrows? I mean, what's your secret?"

Then again, Lee of all people actually _had_ a girlfriend, so apparently he did something right.

No wait, scratch that. Lee had a _wife!_ Not only was he happily married, but also the father of a baby girl of four months named Megumi.

Letting out a rather lecherous chuckle which spooked the hell out of Naruto, Lee answered the boy's question in a hushed tone. "Excellent question, Naruto-kun. Why don't you spare a glance towards my youthfully beautiful wife, and there you shall find your answer."

Taking a look at the youth lover's wife, Naruto suddenly remembered why he avoided any thoughts relating to Tenten. Currently rocking her sleeping daughter, the weapon mistress' face stayed as beautiful as ever, accompanied by putting her hair into the trademark duo buns.

Her outfit, however, had changed.

The same can be said about her demeanor.

Instead of the pink sleeveless shirt, black pants with the heeled sandals ensemble that gave her the cute tomboy look, Lee's wife now wore an immensely tight, green spandex suit of her own. That alone wouldn't have been so bad, as the outfit certainly reveals Tenten's rather attractive figure quite excellently. The problem lied in her behavior. This, like her current clothing, was entirely similar to her husband's.

After years of admirable resistance, Tenten had finally succumbed to the flames of youth.

It was a sad day in Konoha when her eyes burned with fire, her teeth flashed and begun yelling random gibberish about youthful passion. The entire village remembered Neji's bloodcurdling scream upon discovering he'd become the most normal person on Team Gai. Naruto barely refrained from chuckling at the memory. The Hyuuga's scream sounding _unbelievably_ high pitched back then wasn't helping matters in the slightest.

But the demon container's amusement quickly faded, remembering the topic at hand. Once again, he experienced tremendous horror at the implication. "Aw come on! You can _not_ be serious! You're telling me you were only able to date Tenten by making her into a youth-loving weirdo?"

"Yes, Naruto-kun. Yes," he kept whispering with a creepy grin, "she may be against at it initially, but over time she'll accept it. She'll accept that this is the way to prosperity."

"So let me get this straight. She starts out hating your youthfulness, but after years and years she'll eventually crack and break down, and then go out with you?"

Lee nodded, "Out of everyone in Konoha, I knew you'd understand."

"What kind of fucked up psychological torture did you do to that poor woman?" He looked over at Lee's wife. Noting their attention, she glanced up and held a thumb up while grinning, her teeth making a flashing ping.

Lee frowned, "It isn't torture Naruto-kun. It's guidance. I showed her what she really wanted. Sakura-san didn't get it. She couldn't get it. But Tenten could and she's been much happier since. Think about it for Temari-san's sake, about how much happier she would be if you tried this."

Against vastly better judgment, Naruto's thoughts delved into that hypothetical disaster. Of Temari succumbing to this form of seduction. Of her teeth flashing and dark green eyes lighting up with flames of passion. Of creating ridiculous self-training exercises whenever something didn't go her way. Of speaking random nonsense concerning the flames of youth and ranting and raving over how hip Shikamaru was.

Naruto promptly leaned over and vomited. He'd made no attempt to point his mouth away from Lee, and it was the taijutsu expert's own reflexes that enabled him to dodge the gushing torrent of puke.

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with 'hell no'."

With that, he turned around and left.

* * *

><p>Hours passed and the sun began to set. Spotting Temari walking alone outside, he knew it was time to act.<p>

He thought of other teammates, of Neji and Sai but ultimately thought against asking for their assistance. Considering the day's events, he expected Neji would get women with super peeping tom Byakugan powers while Sai scored chicks from telling women all about other men's penises. Save for a smidgeon of the Uchiha's strategy, Naruto decided to ignore the advice from his buddies and planned on stealing Temari's heart solo.

Spotted, Temari approached him with a smile.

'_What do I say? What do I say? Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!'_ Throughout the day, he'd already practiced several scenarios in his head, all of which concluded with Temari and he happily engaged in a love-making session of epic proportions. The moment she began speaking, however, Naruto went blank. With that in mind, he responded in one of the dumbest ways possible.

"Yeah, Temari-chan, you wanna go eat some barbecue together?" Naruto almost went pale on the spot. Of all things he could've told her, it had to be some of Chouji's ridiculous advice. If he wasn't under such immense pressure not to screw this up, he'd bang his head against a wall for his incompetence.

Temari raised an eyebrow at Naruto's weird behavior. "Um…no, I hate barbecue. You know that."

The Uzumaki put a hand behind his head and grinned sheepishly, "Oh right! Silly me!" Happy to see Naruto acting more like himself, Temari was only moments away from smiling herself at the blond's antics when his next words proceeded to confuse her.

"I swear, I can be so unyouthful sometimes!" Feeling his mind on the verge of going empty once again, he decided on taking a gamble. Naruto pointed his left arm to the side and thumb straight in the air. "Fear not, Temari-chan! For I, Uzumaki Naruto, Orange Beast of Konoha will come up with the best activity for us this wonderful evening! If I fail, I'll beat the shit out of Sasuke twenty times without using my hands!"

Feeling dumber than ever before, Naruto prayed to whatever higher or lower being that would listen for the success of talking like Gai or Lee… or Tenten. _'Please work. Please work. Please work._'

At least he didn't get any actual advice from Kiba and Hana. Whatever guidance they would've offered was probably stupid and he almost certainly would've tried it right then.

Temari shook her head and pinched, "You've been training with those two, haven't you? I keep telling you not to take their crap seriously."

'_It failed! Damn it! What to do? What to do?'_ Before he knew it, Bug Facts for Dumbasses was already in hand with pages turned. "Oh yeah? Did you know that the Titanus giganteus has a body length of over 16 cm? Pretty awesome huh?"

"O-kay, Naruto? You're starting to worry me. Did those idiots smack you upside the head today?" She frowned, placing a hand on his arm, "That's it. You're going to Hokage-sama for a checkup." Her eyes widened as his face became positively livid.

"Get your nasty hands off me wench! You're gonna come wi- Yipe!" Naruto easily felt himself being lifted from off the ground. The Suna kunoichi was holding him by the collar with only one hand, nowhere close to breaking a sweat. To any onlooker, Temari appeared to have lifted a twig from the ground.

"Alright you son of a bitch," She snarled, boiling with rage, "I don't know who are or why you've chosen to impersonate Naruto, but know this: What you've done _really_ pisses me off." Roughly, she threw him on the ground, hands gripping her enormous battle fan.

"Normally, I'd take you to interrogation but after I'm done with you there'll be nothing left to question!" She roared, vertically swinging her fan with full strength.

"Temari-chan, wait I can explain-"

"Too late for tha-huh?"

Her dangerous battle fan now rested between Naruto's two fingers. His eyes had closed, and upon reopening them normally blue eyes had become yellow and toad-like in appearance with red augmentation.

"That's… Sage Mode?" Temari stammered in shock. "Naruto?"

"Yeah. It's me."

Shock leaving her system, she took a deep breath while putting her fan away. "Spill," she commanded, her gaze hard.

"In case I haven't fucked up my chances yet, the truth is that I love you. A lot. Like this much," he stretched his arms wide, "times a gazillion or whatever's bigger than that. When I heard that you were moving back to Suna, I had to make my move. But the thing is, even after traveling with Ero-sennin, I never really understood how to get with girls so I asked some of my friends for help. They gave really weird advice and I didn't plan on using it, but when I saw you I just kinda panicked and starting using their ideas one after another."

"Let me guess: Chouji, Lee, Shino and Sasuke?" Temari asked, a smile slowly returning.

"Yeah, did you know my friends are fuckin' crazy?"

"That's pretty much common knowledge," she smirked, "do try to keep up."

"Right, sorry." Naruto scratched the back of his head, "So… now what? I don't suppose this is where you admit to loving me back is it? Because that'd be awesome."

"You really are terrible with women aren't you?" Grabbing his hands, "Especially if you couldn't tell I've spent the last few years wanting to do _this_."

Without further adieu, she looked up and leaned forward, smashing her lips against his in a passionate kiss.

Naruto's thoughts raced a mile a second. _'Awww yeah! Fuck yeah! Jackpot! Epic win! In your face Shino, you and your bug facts suck! Yahooooo!'_

Upon separation, Temari was positively glowing, "You know, I think I'll stick around in Konoha. Kazekage-sama will understand." The pair began walking to Naruto's apartment, holding hands. "Oh yeah, Naruto? I've been meaning to ask you this for a while. Why does your hair make it look like you were up all night having sex with a duck?"

"Don't ask, Temari-chan, just don't ask."

* * *

><p>AN

For anyone who gives a flying rat's ass, the bug facts came from w w w (dot) earthlife (dot) net


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